WALA

Wala akong magawa. Ito ang dahilan kung bakit ko nasimulan ang blog na to. Ngayon ako'y nagbabalik sa parehong kadahilanan. Wala akong magawa. Wala akong gustong gawin. Marami akong gustong gawin. Paulit-ulit ulit ulit ulit.

Napaisip ako, ang layo na din ng narating ko ano? Oo. Malayo. Ang layo layo na. O e ano naman ngayon. Wala. Wala lang. Ako pa rin to. Ganito pa rin ako magsulat. Ganito pa din ako mag-isip. Ganito pa rin ang style ng pagba-blog ko. Random. Puro period pero type ng type lang.

Ano ipinaparating ng sulating to? Ayan nakalagay sa title: WALA. Bored na bored lang talaga ako.

"So ano ba talaga gusto mo?" Marami. Marami akong gusto. Maraming bagay din ang nagawa ko na. Umaayon naman sakin ang mga plano.

"So may problema ba?". Wala. Walang problema. Ayoko din ng problema.

 "So ano nga punto mo?" Wala. Yun ang sagot: WALA

Ang post na ito ay tungkol sa wala.

Paano ko ba made-describe ang wala maliban sa wala?

- Kumain ako ng beef noodle soup. Nasarapan ako. Nabusog ako.... Wala

- Anytime nakakabasa ako ng bagong libro sa library. Andami dami ko ng natapos.... Wala

- Kanina lang may kausap ako. Nagtawanan kami.... Wala

- Nagagawa ko lahat ng gusto ko. Masaya ako sa kalayaan ko.... Wala

Tulad ng sinabi ko ayos ako sa kinatatayuan ko at nais kong magpatuloy tuloy tuloy (echo) lol. Yun nga lang... Wala.

Kasi nga lahat paulit ulit. May kakaiba man, lahat ay tumitigil pa din sa kawalan. Kasi nga... wala.

Baka isipin nyo, depressed siguro tong taong to. Hindi. Tinatamad lang talaga ako sa wala. Kelangan ko maghanap ng meron pero kahit lagi namang may meron may wala pa din. Kasi nga... wala.

Parang tong post na to, pilitin nyo man hanapan ng katuturan, pilitin nyo man hanapan ng deeper meaning dahil sa mala talinghagang pagsusulat ko, wala pa din.

Kasi nga... WALA. lol

Read more

A letter to my 37 year old self

18/01/2014

Hi, how are you? As you can see, I am pretty bored so I decided to write a letter to you (my future self).

I guess it will take 10 years before I get your response but I'm really looking forward to that day you get to read this.

I was actually thinking if it would be better to just give this to my 40 year old self but I don't think I could wait that much longer... unless I forget.

So did you get married? Do you have children now? I really hope that you ended up with Lou-en because I'm really in love with him. If yes, how is he as a husband? Does he still make you laugh? Is he still stubborn, egocentric and vain? *lol* I bet he still loves watching basketball. How is his wrist? I'm really worried about that since he injured himself from playing sport. And BTW, is his hair still existing? *nyohoho*

How about your kids? I always have this hunch that I'll either get a boy and a girl or two girls. Did you name your girl/s  Lorelei or/and Chelsy? and if it's a boy, did you finally decide if he's a Lukas or Lucas? As of now, I find the 'K' more masculine and cool 'spelling-wise'. Oh, I hope your son is sporty like his dad.

Where are you living now?  I always dreamt of a small house that looks simple from the outside but cute and stylish from the inside. I don't really like a big house as it's hard to clean. 

Are you still lazy? *haha* Seriously, it's already hard to manage myself, much more a family. I couldn't imagine  cooking 3 times a day and waking up early!!!! I hope you're handling it well. 

My usual food these days are:

Whole grain bread, coleslaw, Colby cheese, chicken and egg. 

Avocado, banana and orange

Mixed nuts, Nori wrap, salami

I know how to cook: 

Adobo, Estofado, Tropical Chicken and Sinigang

I hope you have perfected Sinigang for Lou-en and learned to cook more healthier dish *lol*

How about your phone? As of now, most people are using the famous Iphone 5 and Samsung Galaxy S4. Guess what? I still have my beloved Nokia 1100i. I'm sure you have fully upgraded to a high end smartphone.

Do you still play the Sims? (Currently Sims 3)

What I'm really curious about is the technology. Are you in the Google glass era now? How big are the smartphones in your time? These days, we have phablets which I find ridiculously BIG! Seriously, who would want to use that size to make phone calls?! I wish in your time, phones are more stylish and convenient to use. Maybe thinner and smaller and has hologram features? *lol*

Do you drive now? I'm still afraid to learn it not only because of the 'driving' but the 'getting lost' in the highway part. I hope your sense of direction has improved by now. *though I hardly doubt it*

And oh, how's your built? Are you still slim? I'm really afraid to get fat. I don't really see myself as gorgeously sexy but I'm fine enough in a bikini. So if you're reading this with a flabby tummy and a big round face then please smack yourself and you frikkin exercise!!!!!!! And your face... I won't expect you to look young but atleast look younger than your age... and maybe not pretty but atleast attractive.

So does your 27 year old self sound demanding to you? Well, deal with it! LOL

PS. I hope everything is going fine as you're reading this. 

- Love lots, Chi

Read more

FINISH LINE...

Kakauwi ko lang ng bahay. Pagkatapos magbihis ng madalian, derecho agad sa harap ng laptop para mag-net.

Ganun talaga pag adik sa computer.

Check agad ng facebook account. Click click click.
Ok, Backyard monster naman. Check ko lang kung may nanira na naman ng base ko. Good. Wala naman.Check naman ng mga updates. Nothing really interesting.
Wala na akong magawa. Click click click.

Bored.

Teka, ma-search ko nga uli yung first crush ko nung grade 4. Baka sakaling sumulpot na siya this time.

Type type type... Wala pa rin. Ano nga spelling ng second name nya? Type type type... Wala pa rin. E isama ko kaya middle name niya... Zero search na lumabas.

Haist. Bakit ba hanggang ngayon e hinahanap ko pa rin ang mokong na yun? Wala na naman akong feelings sa kanya.

Pero may something about first time e. Siya ang kauna-unahang nagpakilig at nagpa-blush sakin. 

Unang pinagselosan ko nung naghawak kamay sila nung girl classmate ko sa "Our Father" nung first Friday mass sa school. 

Unang guy na nakaasaran ko. Unang guy na nakita kong "cool". 

Kaisa-isang taong nag-offer sakin na iwan ko na lang project niya sa locker para mai-submit namin
tomorrow pero naiwan niya susi kinabukasan kaya pareho kaming late ng submission pero di pa rin ako nagalit sa kanya. 

Siya ang dahilan kung bakit na-appreciate ko na dati ang Eraserheads at Rviermaya dahil hilig niyang kantahin.
Unang guy na hinangaan ko habang sinasabi niya sakin ang pangarap niyang maging lawyer tulad ng uncle niya. 

Siya ang guy na madalas kong i-kwento sa nanay ko na nagpa-realize sakin na nagkaka-crush na pala ako.

Misteryo pa rin kung nagkagusto din siya sakin noon.
Lagi niya kasi kinukwento sakin yung crush niya sa kabilang section na magandang chinita.

Pero gusto kong isipin na oo. Hehe.
Bakit siya nagpaalam sakin na pupunta na siyang States next year?

At nung Grade 5 ako, first day of school, bakit pa niya tinanong sa kapatid ko at hinanap kung saang section ako?
Dumungaw daw siya sa bintana pero di ko man lang nakita.

Yun ang huling balita ko sa kanya.

So nung naimbento ang Friendster, siya agad hinanap ko ng paulit-ulit. Wala. 

Nung naimbento ang Facebook, siya uli ang paulit-ulit kong hinanap. Wala pa rin. 

One time, Pati phone directory pinatulan ko. Nandun ang mismong pangalan niya.

Nakapagtataka. Bumalik na ba siyang Pinas? Alangan namang tawagan ko. Atleast nalaman kong nag-eexist pa rin siya.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Back to the present.

Teka, parang kanina ko pa napapansin tong pangalan na to sa search page ah. Ma-click nga. Hmmm... hindi naman niya mukha to... Teka parang may similarity... yung mata.

Wait, ma check nga yung mutual friends. Ala naman.
Check ko nga ka-apelyido niya sa Friend list. Ayan may lumabas. Isa lang. Malamang ate nya to.

Teka, alam ko si Crush may ate din e. Lagi niyang sinasabi na mataba ate niya dati. Ma-click nga yung pic kung mataba.

Oh no. Mataba nga.

Matingnan nga info... Wala. Yung highschool at university schools lang nasa list niya.

Pati si suspected crush di nakalista yung elementary school niya.

Binasa ko walls niya. Parang di ko talaga ma-konek yung crush ko dati sa mga nakasulat sa page ng lalakeng to.
Una sa lahat, hindi ko maisipang papasok siya sa Lagro HS. E public school yun dba? Alam ko mayaman siya. Lalo nang pumasok sa PUP,unbelievable! In the first place, he's supposed to be in the States.

Isa pa. Ano tong nakasulat sa wall niya. Mostly about Youth mass??? Never kong naisip na magiging religious yun.

Pero ewan ko. Tumuloy tuloy pa rin ako sa panghahalungkat.

I checked his ate's albums. Kasama lang niya mga friends niya. Si suspected crush naman naka-private photos niya. Tsk tsk.

Isip isip.

Oh wait! August Bday ni Crush. Nakalimutan ko na yung mismong date pero sure ako sa month. Ma-check nga wall post.

Uhhmm... ok. May bumati sa kanya ng August 8. But still I'm not convinced. Could be a coincidence.

I badly need to know kung saan siya nag elementary!

Ok, I'll type suspected crush' name and our elem. school.
Puro espanyol lang lumabas.

Dead end.

How about, Suspected crush ate + elem. school.

Shooot! Merong lumabas!!! Nag message si ate sa FS account ng elem. school namin.

Teka baka kapangalan lang, let me check the photo. Parang magkamukha naman yung sa FS at sa FB photo. Pero I still can't believe it!!!

Now I need to know this ate's middle name.

So I did type her Supposed to be full name.

Waaaah! May lumabas, naka emphasize pa yung middle name. Her name is listed sa isang school web page. Hindi yun ang elem school ko pero familiar yung name.

I checked the ate's FB again. At ayun nakalista ang name ng school as "Highschool" niya.

So confirmed. Lahat ng direksyon ay nagsasabing ang lalakeng yun ay kapatid niya at ang middle name ay pareho sa crush ko nung elementary.

But I need to see more of his pics!!!

I just tried to click his profile pic.

And voila! Lumabas ang ibang images. At dun ko na-realize na totoo nga! It's him! Nag-iba na mukha niya. 

Tumaba na siya, mukha na siyang dugyot, hindi na siya maputi, hindi na siya cute, mukha na siyang mama!!! May sarili siyang band. May picture pa siya na nagto-talk sa simbahan. Who is this guy????!!!

I got totally disoriented!

Nasan na yung guy na expected kong lalong gumwapo at may picture sa Tate? Yung guy na expected kong lalong magiging cool yung porma? Yung guy na inakala kong naka formal lawyer outfit na ngayon? What happened???

Oh well... the answer is "Change". Na-trap lang ang utak ko sa isang elementary guy na nakilala ko noon.

But I'm not really that disappointed. I feel actually happy. I'm glad because I've finally solved a part of a puzzle after searching for a long long time. No more wonderings. Parang nakumpleto ang importanteng bagay sa past ko.

Na-realize ko din, ba't nga pala ako magtataka na may band siya? E diba mahilig na siya sa banda dati pa? Hmmm... siya kaya vocalist or drummer?

And the best thing is, nalaman ko na lumaki siyang isang matino at disenteng lalake. Oo mukha siyang rapper na jejemon na hip hop na,rocker na punk na ewan. Pero active church member siya at doon naglalaro band niya. Sa mga wall post niya, hindi ako magtataka kung magiging pastor din siya. Hehe.

One last realization.

Bakit kadalasan ata ng naging crush ko e musikero o naging musikero pero boyfriend ko di man lang marunong maggitara? Hehehe.

Love is ironic. Mwah.

Read more

ORDER MADE...

I used to watch this music video in the middle of the night to get comfort especially when I'm down. I will always love this. I salute Radwimps. Thank you.

I was probably asked this by Someone from Somewhere

before I was even born,

"I can show you the past or the future,

which do you prefer?

Which do you prefer?"

I probably chose the past.

So that I could become someone kind

rather than someone strong.

So I could understand what "memories" are.

Then moving on, that Someone told me,

"I'll give you arms and legs and mouths

and ears and eyes and breasts.

I'll put all of them in pairs.

Isn't that good?

Isn't that good?"

But then I had a request,

I said, "I would be fine with just one mouth.

So that I would not argue with myself.

So that I could kiss just one person."

---------------------------------------------

I want to forget, but I cannot forget.

What do you call this kind of feeling?

---------------------------------------------

A little disappointed, the Person spoke again,

"The hearts are most important

so I'll stick them behind both your breasts.

Isn't that good?

Isn't that good?"

Yet again I asked a favor,

"I'm really sorry but

I don't need the heart on the right side.

Sorry for all the selfish requests.

It's so that when I find a lover

and hold her close to me for the first time

only then will I be able to feel two hearts

beating one one each side."

---------------------------------------------------------

"The left one mine, the right one yours.

The left one yours, the right one mine.

so that when lonely, I'll always be missing something.

so I won't go on living alone."

---------------------------------------------------------

I want to forget, but I cannot forget.

What do you call this kind of feeling?

My chest is pounding but it's somehow familiar.

What do you call this kind of feeling?

---------------------------------------------------------

"By the way, There's just one more thing.

Should I add "tears" as an option?

There'll be no problem without them.

But they tend to be annoying, so some decline.

What would you like?

What would you like?"

In the end I asked Him to add them in.

So I would understand what it means to hold something dear.

So I could understand what "importance" is.

"Oh, while we're at it,

why don't you choose the flavor of your tears.

We have sour, salty, spicy,sweet.

Choose any one you like.

Which do you want?

Which do you want?"

----------------------------------------------------------

"Everything was put together just as requested.

So wipe those bitter tears away

and let me see your face.

Now, wear it with pride.

----------------------------------------------------------

"Really, thank you so much.

Thank you for everything.

But can I ask you one last question?"

"Have we met somewhere before?"

----------------------------------------------------------
Credits:

*MV owned by Radwimps
*Image by http://joofoot.com/2009/10/order-made/

Read more

CELLPHONE...

February 18, 2010, mga 1:30 ng tanghali, nasa loob ako ng MRT patungong Ortigas. Tulad ng dati may nakasaksak na earphone sa tenga ko, nakikinig sa aking IPOD.

Maya-maya nakita ko na ang signboard ng Ortigas. Masikip na naman sa loob kaya nakipagsiksikan ako palabas ng tren. Nang malapit na ko sa labasan, may nakita akong itim na Kingcom Cellphone case sa sahig. Tinanong ko ang babaeng katapat ko kung sa kanya yun. Sabi niya hindi, baka daw pagmamay-ari ng isa sa mga lumabas ng tren.
 

Hindi ko na pinulot. Lumabas na lang ako.Pero may tumawag sakin. Ihabol ko na lang daw yung celphone sa may-ari. Kinuha ko naman. Dali dali akong naglakad at isa isang tinanong ang mga nakasalubong kung sa kanila ang gamit na hawak ko. Lahat sila humindi.


Sa isip isip ko, kailangan kong magmadali. May misyon akong dapat gampanan. Kawawa naman ang may-ari. Mukhang mamahaling cellphone pa naman 'to.

Malapit na ako sa exit. Nagsisimula nang lumabas ang mga tao. Unti-unti na ring lumalayo ang chansa kong maibalik agad ang mamahaling celphone. Kelangan kong makuha ang atensyon nila. Kaya agad agad, inipon ko ang aking tapang at nagtanong ng malakas: "EXCUSE ME PO... MERON PO BANG NAGMAMAY-ARI NG HAWAK KO?"

Nagtagumpay ako. Lahat sila ay lumingon.
Pero sa kasamaang palad, walang umangkin.

Ibigay ko na lang kaya sa mamang guard? Pero ibalik niya kaya sa may-ari?

Maya-maya may lumapit na babae kasama ang guard. Sabi niya, "Miss, buksan mo na lang yung cellphone, para ma-contact mo ang may-ari."
 
Oo nga naman.

Dahan-dahan,tinanggal ko ang magnetic lock ng nasabing case. Sa gilid pa lang ng case ay makikinita na ang mamahaling texture ng nasa loob nito. Silver color at makintab pa. Mukhang touch screen na pang business phone.
 
Ayan. Nabuksan ko na. Wala akong nakitang screen. Sliding phone pa ata. Flat pa. Astigin. Binasa ko ang brand............. Neutrogena.

Read more